My minds gone blank. Sorry. D

I'm thinking I want to volunteer next year for a few months. Why is it so darn expensive. I have been thinking about it for a while, and this time next year I will have no monthly debt repayments so i don't need to earn an income. I caught an episode of Oprah the other morning and there was a story by a lady from India who when she was young was sold into slavery and it made me think about volunteering in India. I'd also be happy to do anything, from teaching to building to farming. But I have one question: why is it so expensive?!

I mean, it's cheaper to go travelling which I am now thinking is a better option, then maybe along the way I can help out somewhere. To me it is non-sensical. I understand there are costs to be covered, and I am of course happy to pay visa, flights, rent, administrative costs, but I refuse to pay a weekly sum to volunteer. Does that make me a bad person?

I'm so freakin' hungover I really can't be arsed to write anything else. I've got the shakes, none of my limbs seem to be functioning and I'm so so so tired.

There are people that make you happy without them even knowing it. Whenever I go into the Family Mart on the corner of the street the same lady is always in there. She must work long hours as she is often there when I leave for work, and when I return home. She doesn't speak English, I don't (yet) speak Korean, but so is so friendly. I just went and purchased some crisps and she gave me a bundle of ketchup sachets (not sure why). I don't even have to ask for cigarettes anymore, she just reaches in automatically and puts them on the counter. Now this may not seem like much but in a country where you receive a lot of looks and laughs for being a foreigner it is a welcome relief.

I was sat round the corner from where I work smoking a cigarette and this old man, maybe in his 70's walks past pulling a trolley and gives me a big grin and points and me, then his heart and shakes his head. I nod my head in agreement - smoking is bad. This really made me smile because for a female to be smoking in korea is frowned upon, but he was more concerned with the health risks then the person that was smoking the cigarette, which was a welcome relief.

I still haven't figured Korea out yet. I've already said it is very different from Japan. The people, the culture, it's all different. It varies from extreme rudeness, mild rudeness to helpful and kind. Maybe in a few more months I will have a better average.

Oh, and the humidity has vanished. It happened on Tuesday. A cooler breeze now fills the air but it means the natural curl in my hair that the humidity sets off has fallen flat and my hair is like a rats tail again. All hail the summer, come on through!

In a flat mood today, I was up very early, had a long day and the worst day at work so far and have had some abnormal leg shakings when I walk. Psycho? Uh-huh.

Oh, hello! How are ya?

I am chillin' like a villain. My god, what an awful phrase.

I am sitting watching a style programme in Korean. I cannot understand a word, but I can't be arsed to turn the television off. It's the background to my life. Is that bad? I should be listening to music really but the music player is hidden in my bag and that's miles away from where I am and now I am sitting soooo ... can I reach for it? No. Because it involves getting up.

I wish I still had the energy of a child. When laziness doesn't really enter your head and you are excited about everything and you throw yourself into everything without a care in the world.

Then you hit school and suddenly image is everything because it becomes a survival technique. You have to have the right bag to carry your PE Kit around. When I was at school it was River Island or TopShop. God help you if you carried your sports kit around in a Sainsburys carrier bag. Or maybe I was just succeptable (argh - spelling?!) to it. I think it is all a confidence thing. If you had a River Island bag you just blended in. The Sainsburys bag, with a bunch of confidence and a loud personality would see you through. A Sainsburys bag with no persoanlity meant you were, well, doomed.

Who are these people? What are they doing now, the bullys? When Friends Reunited first started someone sent round an invitation to try and sort out a school reunion. Erm, hello, you were one of the least liked people in our year. Who's going to be stupid enough to go to anything you organise?

One thing I love about Facebook is seeing how people are doing now, what they look like, etc. The unpopular ones are now blossoming and the popular ones, well, jsut look pretty rough. I guess it's a karma thing. I was pretty average then and pretty average now. Though I do wonder how personalities have changed. Are the annoying ones still annoying, are the funny ones still funny? It's hard to tell whether these personality traits were just labelled on others by a few, and as an average student like me and others like me, just followed with these personality traits or decided them on our own. Because when I think back now some of the funny ones you laughed at weren't actually funny, they were complete idiots, but you laughed because everyone else was laughing.

Oh, I guess I sound like a complete follower, completely meek unable to stand up myself and unable to stand up for others. That's not completely true so please don't judge too quickly!

It's funny how often, through life, we try to be accepted, to be liked. There are days when all you want to do is fit in because you want an easy time, and there are days when you really want to stnad out and really don't care. Up and down, peaks and valleys. We are never constant.

I, for instance, often worry about the little things that woouldn't ever enter the minds of others. I remember once going through a phase of complete nervousness with automtic doors. In M&S, walking up to them, praying they would open. Please open, I would implore, so I wouldn't look stupid. Then because I had been thiking about it so much the doors would open and I would physically jump because I was in such a high state of nervousness. Now it's not something that would even enter my head. If the doors didn't work, you go out another door. The worlds not likely to end is it. I guess it's similar to confronting your fears. I mean, what do you think is going to happen? Will you die? Probably not. Will you suffer some humiliation? Maybe. Will you get over the humiliation? Of course.

Our minds are fickle instruments, often not working the way we want them to. And if you have no confidence? Fake it. It's amazing the reception you get.

Sorry, now I have started, I can't stop. I remember going on a works drinks night out when I worked for a privately owned company where a lot of the people were up their own arse. I would stand on the sidelines. Everyone is saying 'c'mon, join in'. The point was, I didn't want to. I didn't like a lot of the conversation, it wasn't interesting, and I didn't like many of the people. Why did I go? Exactly ... this is what I am now thinking. But then it was like I got labelled with no confidence in social situations and I was like jeez, don't you people realise it's because you're dull?

Anyway, essay over. FINALLY!!