Oh, hello! How are ya?

I am chillin' like a villain. My god, what an awful phrase.

I am sitting watching a style programme in Korean. I cannot understand a word, but I can't be arsed to turn the television off. It's the background to my life. Is that bad? I should be listening to music really but the music player is hidden in my bag and that's miles away from where I am and now I am sitting soooo ... can I reach for it? No. Because it involves getting up.

I wish I still had the energy of a child. When laziness doesn't really enter your head and you are excited about everything and you throw yourself into everything without a care in the world.

Then you hit school and suddenly image is everything because it becomes a survival technique. You have to have the right bag to carry your PE Kit around. When I was at school it was River Island or TopShop. God help you if you carried your sports kit around in a Sainsburys carrier bag. Or maybe I was just succeptable (argh - spelling?!) to it. I think it is all a confidence thing. If you had a River Island bag you just blended in. The Sainsburys bag, with a bunch of confidence and a loud personality would see you through. A Sainsburys bag with no persoanlity meant you were, well, doomed.

Who are these people? What are they doing now, the bullys? When Friends Reunited first started someone sent round an invitation to try and sort out a school reunion. Erm, hello, you were one of the least liked people in our year. Who's going to be stupid enough to go to anything you organise?

One thing I love about Facebook is seeing how people are doing now, what they look like, etc. The unpopular ones are now blossoming and the popular ones, well, jsut look pretty rough. I guess it's a karma thing. I was pretty average then and pretty average now. Though I do wonder how personalities have changed. Are the annoying ones still annoying, are the funny ones still funny? It's hard to tell whether these personality traits were just labelled on others by a few, and as an average student like me and others like me, just followed with these personality traits or decided them on our own. Because when I think back now some of the funny ones you laughed at weren't actually funny, they were complete idiots, but you laughed because everyone else was laughing.

Oh, I guess I sound like a complete follower, completely meek unable to stand up myself and unable to stand up for others. That's not completely true so please don't judge too quickly!

It's funny how often, through life, we try to be accepted, to be liked. There are days when all you want to do is fit in because you want an easy time, and there are days when you really want to stnad out and really don't care. Up and down, peaks and valleys. We are never constant.

I, for instance, often worry about the little things that woouldn't ever enter the minds of others. I remember once going through a phase of complete nervousness with automtic doors. In M&S, walking up to them, praying they would open. Please open, I would implore, so I wouldn't look stupid. Then because I had been thiking about it so much the doors would open and I would physically jump because I was in such a high state of nervousness. Now it's not something that would even enter my head. If the doors didn't work, you go out another door. The worlds not likely to end is it. I guess it's similar to confronting your fears. I mean, what do you think is going to happen? Will you die? Probably not. Will you suffer some humiliation? Maybe. Will you get over the humiliation? Of course.

Our minds are fickle instruments, often not working the way we want them to. And if you have no confidence? Fake it. It's amazing the reception you get.

Sorry, now I have started, I can't stop. I remember going on a works drinks night out when I worked for a privately owned company where a lot of the people were up their own arse. I would stand on the sidelines. Everyone is saying 'c'mon, join in'. The point was, I didn't want to. I didn't like a lot of the conversation, it wasn't interesting, and I didn't like many of the people. Why did I go? Exactly ... this is what I am now thinking. But then it was like I got labelled with no confidence in social situations and I was like jeez, don't you people realise it's because you're dull?

Anyway, essay over. FINALLY!!